Remembering Yourself: Why Confidence Comes From Action, Not Before It
Have you ever looked at yourself and thought: What happened to me?
Not because you don't recognize your face. Because somewhere along the way, you stopped recognizing parts of yourself. The woman who used to take chances. The woman who trusted herself. The woman who had dreams and plans and energy and fire.
Maybe life got busy. Responsibilities piled up. You spent years caring for other people, building a career, managing a household, navigating stress, disappointment, loss, health changes, or simply doing everything that needed to be done.
And gradually, parts of you got buried underneath it all. After a while, you may even have stopped asking where that woman went. You started assuming she was gone.
I don't believe she is. In fact, I don't think most women in midlife are trying to become completely different people. I think many of us are trying to remember ourselves. To reconnect with the confident, courageous, curious, adventurous, creative, outspoken—or maybe simply joyful—parts of ourselves that we haven't accessed in a while.
This isn't about becoming someone else. It's about becoming more fully yourself.
Stop Waiting to Feel Confident
Here's where we often get confidence backward.
We think: Once I feel confident, I'll do it. When I feel confident, I'll apply for the job. When I feel confident, I'll walk into the class. When I feel confident, I'll start the business. When I feel confident, I'll speak up. When I feel confident, I'll finally put myself out there.
So we wait. And wait.
But confidence often doesn't come before the action. It develops because of the action.
Psychologist Albert Bandura used the term self-efficacy to describe our belief in our ability to succeed at particular tasks or handle particular situations. One of the most powerful ways self-efficacy develops is through what he called mastery experiences.
You try something difficult. You do something you weren't sure you could do. Maybe it goes beautifully. Maybe it doesn't. But you make it through. And your brain gets a new piece of evidence: I did that. Then another: I handled that. And eventually: Maybe I'm capable of more than I thought.
That's how confidence gets built—not through waiting for fear to disappear, but through accumulating evidence that you can act even when fear is present.
What Are You Treating as Impossible?
One of the most famous examples of the power of belief is Roger Bannister's four-minute mile.
For years, running a mile in under four minutes was considered an almost impossible barrier. Then, in 1954, Bannister did it. And after that? Other runners began doing it too.
Human physiology hadn't suddenly changed. What changed was the evidence. Someone had demonstrated: This is possible. And once the belief shifted, behavior followed.
Which raises an interesting question: What psychological barrier in your own life are you treating as an absolute limitation?
Maybe you've been telling yourself: I'm too old to start over. I'm not athletic. I'm not confident enough. I'm terrible with technology. I'm not someone who speaks in front of people. I could never do that.
Some limitations are real, of course. But some are simply stories we've repeated so often that we've stopped questioning them.
What might become possible if you gathered some new evidence?
Sometimes Your Body Has to Go First
There's another piece of this that I love because it turns our usual thinking about confidence upside down.
Psychologist William James proposed that behavior and emotion influence each other. We tend to assume: Feel confident → act confident. But the loop can run the other way too: Act differently → begin to feel differently.
Your posture, breathing, facial expression, and movement all send information to your nervous system. Sometimes your brain doesn't need to lead. Sometimes your body can go first.
I've experienced this myself. There was an evening when I was supposed to attend an event with my husband and I was completely depleted. I didn't want to go.
Instead of waiting to magically feel energetic, I put on music I loved. I moved. I smiled. I changed the way I was carrying myself. I acted as if I had access to the energy I needed.
And by the time we arrived, something had shifted. Not a miracle. But enough.
That's why I've come to prefer something I call: Faith it till you make it. Not fake it. Faith it.
Because you're not pretending to be a woman who doesn't exist. You're choosing to have faith in a version of yourself you know is possible—even if you can't fully feel her yet.
Confidence Is Also an Identity
There's an even deeper layer to this.
Sustainable change isn't only about what you do. It's also about who you believe you are.
Compare these: I'm going to try to exercise more. versus: I'm someone who takes care of her body.
Or: I'm going to try to speak up more. versus: I'm someone who uses her voice.
The outward behavior may look similar. But the internal framework is completely different.
When you begin acting from identity, every aligned action reinforces that identity. You spoke up even though you were nervous? Evidence. You walked into the room where you didn't know anyone? Evidence. You tried something you'd been avoiding? Evidence. You set a boundary? Evidence. You asked for what you needed? Evidence.
Every courageous action becomes another vote for the woman you're becoming.
Becoming Her Doesn't Mean Becoming Someone Else
This is where your character strengths matter.
Stepping into a stronger, more confident version of yourself doesn't require creating a brand-new personality. It's about using who you already are more intentionally and boldly.
If perseverance is one of your strengths, perhaps you stop using it only to endure difficult circumstances and begin using it to stay committed to something that matters to you. If kindness is a strength, maybe some of that kindness needs to be directed toward yourself. If creativity is one of your strengths, perhaps it's time to stop trying to follow someone else's blueprint and create your own. If curiosity is a strength, follow it somewhere new. If leadership is a strength you've been suppressing, maybe it's time to use your voice again.
The woman you're becoming isn't a stranger. She's an expansion of who you already are.
Pay Attention to the Story You're Telling Yourself
Think about the way you would respond if a close friend came to you with the exact situation you're facing.
Would you tell her: You're too old. You missed your chance. You'll probably fail. Who do you think you are?
Probably not. You'd remind her of everything she's already survived. You'd point out her strengths. You'd remind her of what she's capable of. You'd probably tell her to go for it.
So here's a question worth sitting with: Why is the story you tell yourself so different from the one you'd tell her?
The woman you're picturing—the more confident, purposeful, fully alive version of you—isn't waiting for you to transform into somebody else. She may simply be waiting for you to stop talking yourself out of who you already are.
Courage Doesn't Require Feeling Ready
For me, there's a faith component to this too.
Joshua 1:9 says: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
What strikes me about that passage is what it doesn't say. It doesn't say: Be courageous once you feel confident. Be courageous when the outcome is guaranteed. Be courageous once the path is perfectly clear.
Be strong and courageous. Now.
I think courage can look different in this season of life than it did when we were 25. Sometimes it's quieter. It's finally making the phone call. Applying for something. Walking into the room. Setting the boundary. Taking the class. Saying yes to the opportunity that scares you. Admitting out loud that you want something more.
You don't have to feel completely ready. You just have to take the next courageous step.
Your Challenge: One Courageous Action
So this week, choose one courageous action. Not ten. One.
What's something you've been talking yourself out of, putting off, shrinking away from, or waiting until you feel "ready" to do?
It doesn't have to be enormous. It just has to be real.
Then do it. Before you feel ready.
And afterward, don't brush it off. Acknowledge it. Write it down. Tell someone. Let your brain register the evidence: I did something that scared me, and I did it anyway.
Because confidence doesn't necessarily come before action. Confidence is built through action. And every courageous step becomes another piece of evidence about what you're capable of.
Maybe you aren't becoming someone completely new after all. Maybe you're remembering who you've been all along.
Podcast
This article is based on Episode 7 of Made for More: Holistic Health and Purpose for Women in Midlife — Remembering Yourself: Why Confidence Comes From Action, Not Before It.
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